Steven Universe the Movie Abridged (With Commentary)
by Anonymius
Summary: 'Steven Universe the Movie' shortened and commented on by a trio of inter-franchise entities.


**I do not own 'Steven Universe' or anything related.**

* * *

"It's finally here!" Announced the Commentator, "Finally after 9 months of waiting 'Steven Universe The Movie' is finally available!"

"It is amazing Sir how for one of your favourite series you originally showed no interest," Remarked the Professor.

"Could you blame me if THIS was your introduction to the show?"

A video entitled 'Cartoon Network UK HD Steven Universe June 2015 New Episodes Promo' appeared.

"And after five seconds in you flicked to another channel?"

"Of course, I still don't know what to think that the only reason you started watching it was to see 'girl on girl action'."

"It wasn't like that! I was merely curious as to how a kid's cartoon was able to get around censorship of homosexuality in a time when it was impossible. About 4 years ago when I first learnt about it. Man how things have changed in the last couple of years. Mind you I still think if you're gonna introduce a character having same sex parents in a preindustrial society at least EXPLAIN how they made a baby especially if the only magic around is d-"

"I think perhaps you should reserve those comments when parodies of those series come out."

"Ahahahahaha! Oh. You were being serious. Ahahahaha! Anyway, enough about same sex relationships, on with watching the show about gay space rocks! (Even if one of those main space rocks appears to be straight) Now then, has everyone had their memory wiped so that they can judge this unnecessary continuation with fresh minds?"

"Yeah, boss!" Piped Sammy the Slug.

"So, shall we turn on the com - wait, unnecessary continuation?" Asked the Professor.

"Well yeah. That's what this is, isn't it? Just another cash grab for something that had tied up all the loose ends, only to untie those loose ends, and anyone who dares to protest against this untying of loose ends is slandered for being a nostalgic goggled vocal minority whose views aren't worth listening to and you should just let the past die, and I'm sorry, but how is doing a reset moving forward in anyway, that's not moving forward that's the exact opposite momentum, not like say actually building upon what was established and seeing the galaxy change over time which is what happened in the once semi-c-"

"Sir, what did we discuss before the parody started?"

"Sigh. To keep my rants to a bare minimum and relevant to the series being parodied because no one wants to read a long, rambling rant. Fine. My point is, I just hope that the happy ending we got with 'Change Your Mind' isn't screwed up too much."

"I am sure it will not. Now that we are back on the matter at hand, shall we turn on the computer to watch the film?"

"I have an even better idea! Let's enter a parodell universe of the series and make humorous comments!"

"I am sorry. A what universe?"

"A parodell universe. You know, a parallel universe where the prime universe is parodied."

"Sir, why, WHY, for once can't we just watch something rather than engage in an interactive parodied environment?"

"I believe I already gave you my answer in 'Heroes Abridged with Commentary: Genesis'."

"Care to update your answer?"

"Hmmm."

The Commentator looked at it on a computer.

"Well, maybe I could do without the 'aww'. And maybe I should have said 'because' rather than 'cos'-"

"He's trying to update his work!" Shouted a Land of Waves Villager.

"BURN HIM!" Cried the mob, brandishing pitchforks.

"What the? These guys are still around?"

"Apparently."

"Right. In that case let's escape to that alternate 'Steven Universe' where no long abandoned characters can do anyone any harm."

* * *

_Our story begins in Disney fashion, right down to the storybook._

"Once upon a time, the Gem Homeworld was ruled by Diamonds – White, Yellow, Blue, and littlest Diamond, Pink."

"I think you meant ruled by three diamonds and one puppet," Commented the Commentator, "DANCE, PUPPET, DANCE! You won't dance? Then we'll chuck you in a tower so you can learn your lesson no matter how many times we do it!"

"One day, Pink fled the comforts of Homeworld."

"Cough!alongwiththeabuse!" The Commentator coughed.

"On Earth, she made a new home, new friends, and finally, new life, giving up her form to bequeath her gem to her half-human son."

"Did this story just skipped all the death and destruction that happened in between? Not that I wouldn't expect a Disney styled story to skip all of that, but this narration seems rather biased."

"You know," Said Sammy, "that person who's reading the book sounds awfully famili-"

White Diamond closes the book.

"And now-"

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sammy screamed, "SCARY GIANT WHITE LADY!"

"It's okay, Sam. She's good now," The Professor tried to assure him.

"Her throne room is the stuff of nightmares."

The Commentator and Professor looked down at the shaking slug.

"He's still not over that scene I take it?" The Commentator asked.

"Well it was Phantomrider's ninth darkest cartoon network episode for a reason."

"Steven Universe is ready to take his place on Pink Diamond's throne," White continued.

The Camera pans to Steven Universe, now aged 16.

"How's it going everybody?" He greeted.

"Oh my gosh! Steven, he's grown!" Sammy exclaimed.

"Hah!" The Commentator laughed, "Who said he was doomed to an existence of being a small child for all eternity because 'that's who he was supposed to be'?"

"And his voice sounds so deep!" Sammy continued.

"Just as well," The Commentator remarked, "From the last episode it sounded like he was struggling to keep it sounding like a pre-adolescent. I don't think anyone was expecting a character to sound exactly the same as 12 despite being 16."

"Why was he glancing in my direction?" Naruto asked.

"YOU HAD A CHANGE TO DITCH THAT CHALKBOARD SCRATCHING VOICE AND YOU BLEW IT! YA BLEW IT, NARUTO!"

"I hope your ruler wouldn't mind if I contradict her by saying that I have no intention to become the new Pink Diamond. I already have a home on Earth. It's a beach house in Beach City. In the state of Delmarva. In the United State of America. On the coast of the North American continent. You can't miss if it you're ever in the vicinity of space."

"….Did he just give out his home address?" The Commentator asked.

The feed ended.

"I think that went well," Steven told the diamonds.

"Oh yes, very well," Said the Commentator, "Aside from the fact that you just humiliated the ruler of gems by contradicting her."

"Steven please!" White begged.

"You can't go!" Yellow begged.

"You must stay!" Blue begged.

"You're all we have left of Pink!" White begged.

"Huh. That sounded more like a Blue Diamond thing to say," The Commentator remarked.

"No, it was definitely White Diamond who said that," The Professor told him.

"Really? Huh. Quite a turnaround for White."

"You mean how last episode she said 'I don't need you, Pink', and is now wanting to keep a remnant of her?"

"I was thinking more along the lines that she's openly affectionate towards Steven when last time we saw she almost killed him by ripping out his gem."

_And so the diamonds try to convince Steven to stay by reminding him of everything they did for him._

"I haven't shattered or made anyone cried," Said Blue.

"I liberated my planets and disbanded my army," Said Yellow.

"Really?" Said the Commentator, "Well, I'm sure that there will be no major consequences doing COUGH!MIRRORUNIVERSE! that."

"I've been saying please and thank you even to lower life forms!" Said White.

"What did we discuss?" Steven reminded her.

White sighed.

"Equal life forms," She corrected herself, her eyes looking away.

"You know, if you listen closely, you can hear just how much it hurt her to say that," Said the Commentator.

"I thank you so much for doing everything I asked you gems still grieving for your sister/daughter who just want to be near what's left of her. And now I'm going to ditch you, bye!"

Steven warped away, leaving the Diamonds heartbroken.

"Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen."

* * *

_After returning to Earth, Steven sees Connie off for Space Camp._

Connie, blushing, kissed him on the cheek.

"IT'S ABOUT FRIGGIN TIME!" The Commentator screamed, "SERIOUSLY, STAR AND MARCO HAD QUICKER ACTION THAT YOU TWO, EVEN WITHOUT THE CREEPY GOBLIN GUY!"

_And so Steven sings a reiteration of 'Life After Happily Ever After' (only more optimistic (Ironically)), where we see each crystal gem have their own verse (whose topics I'm sure aren't relevant to the film!)._

"Wait, is that the chest?" The Commentator noticed, "Oh my gosh, it's open! No, go back! I need to know! What's in the chest? What's in the chest? WHAT'S IN THE BOX? I mean chest!"

"I think you had it right earlier," The Professor remarked.

* * *

"Gasp! Steven! Your neck!" Amethyst exclaimed.

"What about it?" Steven asked.

"You have one!"

"…Yeah, that hasn't gotten old the last 22,000 times you've made that joke."

"Hey, it's a classic."

And so Steven and Amethyst make a hand shake.

"Erm. What was that?" The Commentator asked.

"It appeared to be some sort of meaningful handshake," The Professor observed.

"And it's only now appeared? That feels about as contrived as revealing this lonely person once had a best friend who had never been mentioned before which undercuts the whole she was supposed to be lonely which what motivated her future actions wait, what was that about the optimism being ironic?"

_Well, usually in a film when a character expresses happiness over something or despair the film seeks to punish them for their hubris or make things better for them._

"Happily ever after here we are!" The Crystal gems sang.

"Yeah, they are so screwed. Oh well! Better now than thirty years later, especially if there was already a what happened next made during that time that you didn't have to accept as canon only for it to be dashed away."

The Professor looked at him.

"What?"

* * *

"I want everything to just remain perfect and never change."

"Agreed," Said Amethyst.

"Here here," Said Pearl.

"Wow. Just – wow."

"Why are you wowing, Boss?"

"So let me get this straight. Our heroes are just now wanting unending perfection?"

"That seems to be what is happening, Sir."

"I'm sorry, but isn't that exactly what they had been fighting for most of the series? Because apparently wanting to perfect or improve yourself is wrong for some reason."

"Yes, Sir, I'm aware that one of the themes of the series conflicts with your own views."

"Well aside from that, one of the things I can't stand is hypocrisy. So after all that, they just ended up adopting the very values they sought to overthrow? Well, that is pretty much like every other revolution."

"How does the future look, Garnet?" Steven asked, "Is everything going to stay like this forever?"

As Garnet uses her future vision, her smile vanishes.

"No."

"No you can't see anything ruining our happily ever after?"

"No, I mean no as in something's coming!"

"Something's coming to make our happily ever after even more happy ever after?"

"No, I mean something's coming to ruin our happily ever after!"

"And by ruin you mean make even better."

"Okay, I think someone is clearly in denial here."

"What are you talking about Garnet?" Pearl asked.

"I see our bright day both figuratively and literally ending with a dark cloud of negative feeling."

_Sure enough an injector arrives from space, with a passenger on top._

"Hey! Are you Steven Universe?"

"Um. Yes?"

"Perfect."

The mysterious figure created a horn out of her finger, causing the injector to root itself in the ground.

"You probably shouldn't have answered yes, dude," Amethyst commented.

"Sorry. I'm not used to gems calling me by my actual name. Just who are you? And why am I getting Alice Angel vibes from you?"

"GASP!" Gasped Garnet, "It's a forgettable movie villain!"

"A what?"

"They are formidable as they are completely irrelevant to the series."

_Something about what Garnet said clearly angered the gem, as she goes on the offensive._

"What's with the way she's moving? It's all elastically and stuff!" Said Amethyst.

"It's just like those old cartoons! What were they called? Rubber Hose or something?" Said Garnet.

"That's right. I'm from one of the earliest ages of animation! And I'm here to punish the animators of today for not putting the maximum effort in your detail!"

"Where was this character years ago when I vowed to destroy all modern cartoons before I realised they made up for their crappy animation with good writing and fast pace action?" The Commentator wondered.

"Probably where others were who are only just now complaining about the animation when it had been established for a while."

"Heh heh. Just kidding. But seriously I am here to poof you all."

"It really is her. But she can't be serious."

"You know her Pearl? Who is she?" Steven (And pretty much every fan for months) asked.

_Before she could answer, however, Pearl and the other crystal gems were poofed by the mysterious gem._

"Darnit!" The Commentator 'swore', "We were THIS close to all the speculation ending! Okay, as unnecessary this unnecessary continuation is, this is one of my favourite characters! You know what, I'm gonna put her on the list!"

The Commentator proceeded to write her name on the list entitled characters I would save if I ever a cartoon apocalypse (The list included Bill Cipher and Toffee.).

"Why do you even have that?" The Professor asked.

"Just for future ideas."

"That's enough!" Steven summoned his weapon.

"That's enough? Is it just me or was Steven reminiscent of the Diamonds just now? I don't know about you but this little piggy is starting to look like a human being."

"What the-? Pig? Human, what's he on about?" A baffled Sammy asked.

_However, Steven managed to poof her with her own weapon._

"NOOOOOOOOOO! She was literally one of my most favourite characters ever!"

* * *

"Just who was this gem?" Greg asked.

"I don't know!" Steven replied, "She just kept referring to the crystal gems as Pink Diamond's other friends' and got very envious towards Pearl!"

"Oh yes, it's not like you couldn't draw ANY conclusion from that amount of information!" Said the Commentator.

"I don't know what to make of it. Hey? Do you hear what sounds like banging coming from one of the walls?"

_The gems later reform, but appear to have no memories._

"What's wrong with everyone?" Steven asked.

"I know right?" The Commentator rubbed the bump on his head, "What's up with Pearl's face? It's all - round and stuff. And more importantly, THEY'VE LOST THEIR MEMORIES! It's like that scythe performed a factory reset on their gems! Oh this is awful! All of their experiences, their feelings for each other and others including Steven, gone! It's like if someone lost all of their photos, videos and poems on their phone, only worst! It's so tragic! Is what I would say if the trailer hadn't already assured me that they would be alright."

"Wait a minute, I thought you said you wiped your memory of the trailer so you couldn't judge it?" The Professor asked.

"I asked if everyone had wiped their memories, I never implied that I included myself in that category. Besides, you know me, Prof, I can never pass up an opportunity to be judgemental."

_Later Spinel also reforms, wrapping her arms around Steven._

"Haha! Hello, new best friend!"

"GAH!" The Commentator backed away, "What have they done to her? She was all zany and maniacal, now she's all cheerful and, and, and –"

"Cute."

"Thank you, Buttwitch, my words exactly."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"

"Sorry. Not knowing your real name and all."

_Later going to the beta Crystal Gems, Bismuth explains what the scythe is._

"It's a rejuvenator. Homeworld used to use these things on gems that started steppin' out of line. One hit with this, you're back to how they made you."

"Used to?" Said the Commentator, "Huh. I wonder why they fell out of use. I mean if you ask me, it seems more cost effective than shattering any gems that g- oooooooooooooh nooooooooooooo. It's started. I was afraid this would happen eventually."

"What are you talking about, Sir?"

"Whenever a series passes its logical conclusion, any further information given has a tendency of contradicting previous information and events, poking holes. It's not just the conclusion that unnecessary continuations unravel, it's continuity as well. The same thing happened to 'Supernatural'. Not that the show had concrete continuity pre season 6, at least when it came to its angel mythos."

"Sir, remember what we discussed about keeping you rants relevant-"

"Prof, I'm not waiting for Anon to get around to making a 'Supernatural Abridged with Commentary', I'm sorry, but you do not establish the head of Heaven being this human hating angel, loyal to God's plan, making the latter out to be a bad thing, yet completely disregarding the same human loving God's command to love humanity more than him, a commandment's rejection by the way was the reason the friggin personification of evil was thrown into Hell in the first place! Even though he was originally in Hell for making the first demon, because how did he do that if he was in the c-"

"SIR!"

"Alright, fine! I just think if you're gonna have two siblings, one defiant to their parent's wishes, the other loyal, yet neither sharing the same love for a race as their parent, at least address it rather than giving the impression that the writers are bent on making as many negative comments about God and religion as possible even if it's contradictory."

"….Fine, I'll let that slide."

"Anyway, back to the series at hand, I can't help but wonder. I know the Rejuvenator set Steven's powers back, but if it was used on the gem once taken out, would that cause it to reset to P-"

_So__ with his friends' memories gone, Steven laments._

"If only Garnet was here. Garnet always knows what to do."

A tear emerges in Steven's eye.

"Hey. Don't be sad," Spinel tries to comfort.

"Oh no Spinel, this is normal for 'Steven Universe'," The Commentator told her, "In fact it wouldn't be an episode if we didn't have at least ONE instance of a character shedding a tear (usually Steven)."

"Here we are in the future and it's wrong!"

"Wrong? Isn't that a favourite word for Homeworld to refer to anything that doesn't fit their perfect society? This piggy is looking more and more like a man every moment!"

"Seriously, what is he talking about?" Sammy asked.

"Happily ever after there we were."

"I'm so sorry, kid," The Commentator placed his hand on Steven's shoulder, "It's a consequence of unnecessary continuations, I'm afraid. They have a tendency of destroying happy endings. One minute you're all laughing around a campfire, happy that the evil empire has been defeated and freedom has been brought to everyone, then the next your child falls to the dark side, everything you worked so hard to achieve after so much sacrificed is destroyed and you're killed off from left to right."

The Professor stared at him.

"What, it's a fair parallel!"

_Of course, the other gems try to encourage Steven with the new version of we are the crystal gems against his reiteration of 'My Happy Ending', eventually encouraging him that they can restore their memories. _

"Alright," Said Steven, "so Ruby and Sapphire first fused when Ruby saved Sapphire. So all we need to do is to recreate a deadly situation."

"Aw crud," The Commentator 'swore'.

"What do we have here that's dangerous?" Lapis asked as a cursor appeared at the bottom, causing the film to move forward.

"Sir, what are you doing?" The Professor asked.

"I'm sorry, Prof," The Commentator was using a mouse, "but I have little patience for moments that are filled with characters attempting to bringing someone's memory back only for it to constantly fail, I'm moving the film passed that."

The professor inspected his mouse.

"Wait a minute. How are you able to use the mouse without any surface?"

"…I don't know. Ah, here we go."

_Of course, had the Commentator not been so pessimistic, he wouldn't have missed out on one of the funniest lines in the film._

"Hey hey hey, who's the Commentator here? I comment, you narrate!"

_Just letting you know not to be so hasty. Ahem, anyway Spinel's hijinks cause havoc in little Homeworld._

"Wait, Hijinks? How did that happen?" Sammy asked.

_This is what happens when you skip a part of a film._

"Oh no!" Cried Bismuth, "The heaven and earth beetle are out on their afternoon constitutional!"

"Wait," Said the Commentator, "They're still called the Heaven and Earth Beetles? I would have thought at this point they would be going by their real names."

_During all this havoc, Ruby is nearly shattered by an anvil, before Sapphire rushes in to save her, mirroring Ruby's original saving of Sapphire, and they fuse._

"Isn't it, isn't it, isn't it love?"

"Remind me," Asked the Commentator, "What did Garnet say about love in 'Love Letters'?"

* * *

"Love at first sight doesn't exist."

* * *

"Well, they didn't fall in love at first sight," The Professor reasoned.

* * *

"Love takes time."

Time taken for Ruby and sapphire to fall in love: About 11 minutes and 33 seconds.

"Love takes effort."

Sapphire saving Ruby from being shattered: tick.

"And you at least have to know the person."

Fusing would allow each other to know each other.

* * *

"Alright I'll let this pass."

"Boss, you can't make fun of one of the greatest pairs in cartoon history!" Sammy piped.

"I can if they're going to ignore the rather mature and rational assessments about love stated in a previous episode."

_Later, Steven looks for Amethyst, using Lion to transport around the city._

"Amethyst?" Steven called.

"What the - Onion?" The Commentator exclaimed.

* * *

"Amethyst!"

"Onion?"

* * *

"Amethyst!"

"ONION? Okay, how is he in every location Steven went to? Also is it just me or has he not aged in the last two years, just like …. You know what, I'm gonna call it. Onion's half pebble, and he's the reason Greg and Rose knew that a hybrid was possible."

_After locating Amethyst, Steven attempts to restore her memory through a song and dance._

"Oh it's hopeless, just hopeless!" The Commentator wailed, "She's just repeating what he's done! I'm sorry, Steven, but I think you need to cut your losses, accept that the Amethyst you know is gone and accept this new amnesiac Amethyst to build a relationship whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?"

_Sure enough, Amethyst goes through her numerous forms before regaining her memories._

"She's back! Amethyst is back! I'm so happy even if I knew from the trailer that she would be back! Ohhh, THAT'S why they introduced this important handshake that had never been featured before! It was to help Amethyst regain her memory! Well, it's less contrived than the dice at least."

The Professor slowly turned his head to look at the Commentator.

"Well it is!"

_Later turning their attention to Pearl, Steven realised that as long as Greg exists she will continue to serve him, so he and Greg get on stage._

The two play a guitar duo together before an explosion goes off.

"What the - DID THEY JUST FUSE?" The Commentator exclaimed.

"Oh my gosh!" Sammy exclaimed, "They've fused into a handsome four-armed animan!"

"So human fusions CAN have multiple arms?" Said the Commentator, "Damn. Well that just threw a wrench in a fanfiction idea Anonymius had for Steven Universe. Along with other wrenches. Also just remember half of that handsome man is a sixteen-year-old boy. Which I don't think is that big a deal if you come from a certain half of the world."

_After finishing the song, however, Steven is left drained._

"It looks like that fusion took everything out of you!" Amethyst observed.

"They probably should have stopped singing the moment Pearl regained her memory," The Commentator commented.

"Sir, you should know that once the music starts, it can't just stop."

"I thought that was Pringles?"

_And so Pearl explains who Spinel is._

"She was Pink's playmate. They spent hours in the garden."

"Mom had a garden? OK seriously, how did the diamonds not realise that the organic loving Pink didn't have it in her to be a life destroying coloniser?"

_Later Steven goes searching for Spinel._

"Everything was perfect! Why did it have to change?"

"The pigs look like humans! THE PIGS LOOK LIKE HUMANS!"

"Sam? Aren't you going to ask what Sir meant by that?"

"Eh, I've kinda given up trying to understand."

"If I was you, I'd read 'Animal Farm'."

"'Animal Farm'?"

"Trust me, it will all be clear."

_After being found, Spinel takes Steven to the garden, where she sings her reiteration of 'When She Loved Me'._

"So let me get this straight," Said the Commentator, "Spinel found out what happened to Pink at the beginning of the film when Steven was broadcasting his message, and between that time to when they were lying on the grass she had gained a new form, got a world destroying injector and factory resetting rejuvenator, before flying that to Earth? How long were they running for?"

"I can't believe Mom did that to you. Well, actually I do, but seriously, who ditches someone who just wants to do all this stuff to please you and adore you even if they can be a little overbearing?"

The Commentator slowly turned his head to look at Steven.

"And lie to them about it leaving them all alone for six thousand years?"

"…Fine, I'll give you that."

_Steven attempts to comfort the hurt Spinel by convincing her that she can find love again, with someone who isn't oblivious to her emotional needs._

"Right here, right now," Spinel was singing, looking at Steven, "I already feel found."

"Uh oh," Said the Commentator, "Steven probably didn't mean him."

_While the gems wait for Steven, Garner picked up a utensil that reflected her fused nature._

"Oh look," The Commentator pointed at it, "It's a spork A SPORK? That's another thing whose perfectly wrapped up conclusion was unnecessarily ruined by an unnecessary cash grabbing sequel even AFTER they went back on their statement that they would never make a-"

"Was narration of that scene really necessary?" The Professor asked.

_The Commentator paid me $20 to let him know of anything that needed to be ranted about._

_Ahem anyway, Spinel turns off the injector._

"Thanks, Spinel," Thanked Steven.

"Aw, shucks," Spinel shook his hand, "What are friends for?"

"Huh, no this is resolved too quickly," Commented the Commentator, "What we need is to have a character have a sudden change of heart or idea or-"

"Is that all you needed me for? To turn off my injector? That's it?"

"That'll do."

"No! Well, yes."

"Steven now is not the time for your tactless honesty!" The Commentator chided.

_Becoming convinced that Steven was going to wipe her memory, Spinel takes Garnet hostage and goads Steven into attacking them with the rejuvenator._

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's not the truth!"

Steven breaks the rejuvenator.

"The truth?" Said Garnet.

"Wait, really? THAT'S Garnet's missing piece?" The Commentator asked in disbelief.

_Later Steven engages Spinel in a final confrontation, leading her to dangle him off the injector._

"Before I kill you, which is a complete certainty, I'm gonna ask you a question which I'm sure won't give you an epiphany and enable you to defeat me!"

IT DOES.

"Oh my gosh! With all this happily ever after, I completely forgot that things can't be always perfect, and how I used to accept change!"

"That's what I've been screaming at you for the last hour!"

"No you haven't, you've just been going on about how pigs looking like humans, and this book about a farm with animals is not helping me at all understand what you meant!"

"Also, there's something I've noticed. How come I've been ignored all parody? Usually in the past people accept my existence no matter how incompatible I am and respond to my comments but here, nothing! Oh my gosh. Have I encountered the one person in all of pop culture immune to my criticism?"

"Oh sorry, Sir. I anticipated Sammy getting alarmed at White Diamond's appearance, I so activated a device that blocked our interaction, and I forgot to turn it off."

"Is that all? Phew! That's a relief! I was deathly terrified there for a moment!"

"….So? Should I turn it off?"

"…Eh, it's a little late now."

_And so Steven engages in a final battle with Spinel._

"Ah! Their heads have gone all round again!"

"Just can it, will you! You can make everything better by singing some stupid song!"

Sammy gasped.

"Heresy! Destroy her!"

"Now Sam, that's not 'Steven Universe's' way of doing things," The Professor told him.

"Well, I've heard some comments who think that maybe this will be the turnaround point-"

"Sam, it's never gonna happen," The Commentator told him, "It'd be like having a star trek episode with a war that doesn't end with the federation making peace with the enemy as opposed to defeating them. At least with 'Steven Universe' there's always a sense that Steven wants to bring peace as opposed to the idea emerging at the last minute."

_However, despite Spinel's claim, he does make everything better by singing a song._

"Aw, I really hoped that this would be the one villain that Steven wouldn't end up reforming," Sammy lamented.

"Yeah, that will be the day when we get through an episode without any characters getting tearful," Replied the Commentator.

"He's making fun of one of the fundamental aspects of 'Steven Universe'!" Cried a Land of Waves Villager.

"BURN HIM!" Shouted the crowd.

"What the? How did you guys get here? You're not inter-dimensional entities!"

"We appear whenever someone says something that enrages fandoms everywhere! GET HIM!"

There was silence.

"Well? Aren't you going to get me?"

The villagers looked at each other.

"Oh I see. You're all talk and pitchforks, aren't you?"

"….Fine," Said the head villager, "We won't actually burn you. Well, not literally at least. We'll just drive you off the internet by sending you angry messages and comments on your blog."

"Hah! Joke's on you!" The Commentator called as they left, "I haven't used that thing in years!"

"Oh no, what have I done!" Cried Spinel, "I just ruined your happily tied up conclusion, I Disneyed it up!"

The Professor slowly turned his head to look at the Commentator.

"What? What are you looking at me, for? We can't interact, remember? What you think I turned off your device and taught Spinel that phrase when no one was looking?"

"It's okay, Spinel. There's no such thing as happily ever after. I'll always have more work to do. Or at least until the series has finished."

"Well, I guess if the theme of the film is that things can't remain perfect forever and are constantly changing I guess you'll have to put up with the land of your home town now barren with no chance of life ever growing back and whaaaaaa?"

_With the use of his healing powers, Steven is able to bring life back to the land._

"So wait a minute. I know that in it was established that life in the kindergarten could never return, but if Steven can restore life to earth does that mean he can restore life in the k-"

_So Steven starts bringing life back to the Earth._

"You can't evade my questions forever, wait, what did you just say?"

_Ummm, So Steven starts bringing life back to the Earth._

The Commentator's jaw dropped.

"He WHAT? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. UNBE- Excuse me, Prof."

Taking the device from the Professor, the Commentator switched it off.

"UNBELIEVABLE!"

Steven was startled by the sudden outburst.

"What the-? Who are you? Where did you come from?"

"That doesn't matter right now!" The Commentator tossed the device away, "What matters is what YOU'RE doing right now?"

"What do you mean? I'm healing the earth."

Face-palming himself, the Commentator lets his hand slide down his face.

"Steven, don't you think that can wait? I mean isn't there someone who needs your more immediate attention? You know, someone who wanted nothing more to do than to be someone's best friend who was neglected for six thousand years and who you told you'd be right back and here you are doing something else?"

The Commentator pointed his hand at a sad Spinel.

"Spinel, wait! I really was coming back for you!"

"Unbelievable, you had one chance (well, two) to prove to be a better friend to Spinel and ya blew it, YA BLEW IT, STEVEN! I'm beginning to think that neglectfulness is a pink diamond trait no matter how sensitive or selfless the bearer is."

"It's okay, mysterious guy who told me all about how this company that puts on an innocent face heartlessly destroyed the hopes and dreams of millions of people worldwide."

"I KNEW IT!" The Professor pointed a finger at the Commentator.

"Pfft, like there was any doubt."

"I know that Steven was gonna come back for me. Just wish I could start fresh with someone,"

_Sure enough, just as stating how great or bad things are at the beginning of a film preludes to them getting worse or better respectively, saying something like this leads to a nice wrapped up resolution, as the diamonds at that moment arrive and take a shining to Spinel, each filling that hole left by Pink (and meaning that Steven won't have to hang around them)._

"Eh, this feels too neatly wrapped for me," Commented the Commentator.

"How would you have it end?" The Professor asked.

"I would have adopted her!"

"And probably forgotten about her eventually."

"Mmmaybe."

"Do you think we'll ever see her again?" Steven asked.

"Unlikely," Said Garnet, "Movie characters tend to never appear or be mentioned again."

"What about the Borg Queen?"

"I did say tend to be."

_And so with that, the main characters sing a reprise of 'Happily Ever After', leading to a Broadway style moment with the gang dressed up like Elton John, which will surely bring up questions about Steven's sexuality, not that there's anything wrong with that, even though so far we've only seen him like a girl, anyway I'm pretty sure that theories about Steven liking the same sex would have only come out of how he doesn't conform to gender norms, which would be the wrong way to go as it would give the wrong idea to just assume someone's gay because they don't follow gender norms, but on the other hand it would be wrong to say that someone's sexuality should be limited (unless they were gay), but on the other hand it would give out the wrong message to assume someone's gay just because they don't conform to gender norms, but on the other hand it would be wrong to criticise their sexuality unless they were straight, but on the other hand-_

"Oh dear," Said the Professor, "It seems the Itallic Narrator Guy has trapped himself in a politically correct loop."

"How is that guy's allowed to ramble but I'm not?"

"Because his rambling was at least on topic with the series that was being parodied. Anyway let's see if we can break it by going to the final line in the film."

"Happily ever after there we are," Sang Steven, a tear in his eye.

"What the-? YOU JUST STATED A MOMENT AGO THAT THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HAPPILY EVER AFTER, now you're saying that there is? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Alright. This was actually a pretty good film. Really good in fact. In fact I might say that it was an excellent film. Even though the film didn't really need to exist, I'm glad it did, mainly because it created one of my favourite animated characters, even if she was ruined with Steven's typical reforming of characters. But it's also nice as unnecessary continuations go it built upon the conclusion made by the previous episode as opposed to undoing it, like SOME unnecessary continuations."

"Okay, seriously Sir, you could learn a thing or two from Spinel about holding grudges."

"You mean I should ride a doomsday machine to the Star Wars galaxy and destroy it? Good idea!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT! Sir, what would it take for you to let go of your hate for 'Force Awakens'?"

"Let go of my hate? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAA! Well it's more Last Jedi that I wish nothing more than a fiery demise, and the only way I could forgive it if the next film bombs so hard that Disney will have no choice but to give the film rights back to George Lucas for half the price and he undoes everything that happened under their management!"

"What? Even the good stuff?" Asked Sammy.

"He said that there's some good stuff about Disney Star Wars!" Shouted a Land of Waves villager.

"BURN HIM!" The mob cried, wielding pitchforks.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sammy cried, trying to run away, but only going as quickly as a slug could.

"Who knows? Maybe that's what his plan was all along."

* * *

MEANWHILE IN A PARODELL UNIVERSE (Where a fictional person came up with Star Wars)….

"But your makerness! Disney doesn't understand! Their Star Wars will look foul!"

"Yes! That's why it will be branded 'Disney Star Wars'. Then, when everyone hates it, we'll bring back Classic Star Wars, and make billions! MWAHAHAHAAHAH!"

The whole group laughed.

* * *

"You know, Sir, we probably have time for one more interaction with someone from 'Steven Universe', in case you're interested."

"Well, since it would be an end gag."

* * *

"So Connie, I guess you're happy that Steven is now ageing at a normal rate, right?"

"What do you mean? I'd be happy hanging around with Steven no matter what age he looked."

"Yeah, I'm sure your friendship's wouldn't have been the problem. Sooooo, how long were you convinced that he wasn't stretching again?"

"What? Don't be ridiculous! I fully trusted that Steven was...About a week."

"Sounds about right."

* * *

**P.S. I do not own 'Naruto' or 'Twelve Forever' or anything related either.**


End file.
